


When I am afraid, I will trust in you

by sachmecik



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Families of Choice, M/M, Plot, Slow Build, Snape/Narcissa friendship, There will be slight Draco/Harry in the distant future, boys smoking cigarettes, if you are here for sexytimes I'm sorry to disappoint you, like a lot of plot, like glacial, not HPB and DH compatibile
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-14 20:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3424466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sachmecik/pseuds/sachmecik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fate works in strange ways. You can die and be alive. You can find friends in the enemies. You can find love... well, no. Love creeps around your back and hits you hard. On the head. When you least expect it.<br/>Oh, and you can become a messiah, even if it won't change anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where couple of decisions are made and Snape learns that killing someone not always makes them stay dead.

**Author's Note:**

> I will incorporate some ideas from HBP and DH in this work. But only ideas. I will go with them somewhere else, use them in different way.
> 
> Title is from Psalm 56:3. I'm planing to toy with Christianity a bit. Little bit.

Everything was white. Not bright, just some kind of off-white shade covering everything in sight. If he was seeing at all. Light gray shadow everywhere, like fog in London, some autumn morning, enshrouding the world in milky mist. The whiteness was making him numb. This feeling, something in him concluded, connected whiteness with sudden unbearable pain. Thousands of needles piercing skin, flesh and bones until they all became shred's of delicate fabric, teared apart and thrown in the wind.

White stopped being so bland. Many, many shades of white. Brighter ones moving before his eyes, left to right, left to right. Little white dots. Left to right. Behind them unmoving shadow, the arch, made of gray stone, covered in the soft veil of white. No, not veil. It was snow.  
He was lying in the snow, numb from cold, under arch of stone.  
Howl of the wind pierced through him like a spear.  
He couldn't move.  
White snow, milky sky, gray stone.  
Everything was cold.

Movement, in the corner of his eye. Unable to move his head, unable to move his eyes. Dark shadow over his head covered the arch, the snow, and the sky. He knew that shadow, that shape, that face. Slightly red from the cold, surrounded by white.  
Some words where trying to get through loud wind. They didn't make it.  
Something warm touched his face, heat burned his skin, but it was only a hand, warm and real.  
The face said something else.  
He closed his eyes.  
Everything went black.

\-------------------

There are not many places that scream louder about former glory and developing decay more than Cokeworth. Slow river, which contained more chemicals than it should to be still considered a watercourse, flowed through the city, collecting rubbish from dirty banks and shining with the blaze of oily colors in morning sun. Old disintegrating mill stood in the middle, with it's high chimney rearing through sky like a cross on Christian’s grave. Streets were deserted. Rows of identical brick houses seemed to go on endlessly. Doors shut, windows broken, mold finding it's way in without any resistance.

Spinner's End was no different. Just one of dozens indistinguishable streets somewhere near the smelly sewage that once pretended to be a river. Houses in the same state of disrepair, most of them dull and blind. And yet one of them poured delicate glow from it's windows on dirty, cobbled street.

Some people choose their homes, some have their thrown upon them. Severus Snape was neither. Years ago he decided that he didn't need one. House on the other hand, was very important thing to have. More things you own, more anchored in one place you are. And he owned one soiled house at Spinner's End.  
It was still to early for morning light to pierce the smelly mist contaminating Cokeworth's air, but the candles lit in small room were enough. I could be considered a sitting room. A bit dark with walls covered in old books bound in leather, worn sofa of indistinguishable pattern, threadbare armchair and little rickety table. It wasn't cozy, gave feeling of a dungeon, with walls made of cold books rather than cold stones.

Candles made it bright enough to read a book, and Severus Snape used the opportunity, drinking hot tea and letting the words take him somewhere else in the first hours of the summer morning. Only sounds breaking the silence were delicate rustling caused by turning of the yellowish pages and soft clinging indicating every time the cup returned on the table.

Knock, knock

Severus Snape looked from his book, frown upon his thin face. Nobody ever knocked on the door. Nobody ever came to his house at Spinner's End. He put book on the table, risen slowly, wand clutched in his hand. With caution he slowly moved to the door, eying it suspiciously.

Knock, knock.

Firmly grabbing the handle he quickly opened the door, tip of his wand pointed at whomever stood behind them.  
“Cissy?” Before his eyes stood Narcissa Malfoy, covered in dark hooded robe, veiling her delicate face, shielding her from mist and decay of Spinner's End. Of maybe from something else.  
“I need your help, Severus. May I come in?” Her voice quivered slightly, as she whispered. Her blue eyes never stilled, looking around, unnaturally big an searching.  
“Of course, come.” Snape moved aside, letting her in. Slowly closed the door, and turned to face Narcissa. She took her hood of. Her face, normally pale, now looked ghostly white, lower lip trembling, her body stiff, ready to attack or flee if needed.  
“What happened?” He asked calmly.  
“I overheard... They don't know that I know, I think...” Narcissa turned her head, gripped herself tight, closed her eyes and took a long breath, gathering her composure. When she looked at him again her eyes were burning. “They're going to make us pay. Make Lucius pay. For his mistakes. They're going to hurt Draco, Severus.”  
“How?”  
“I don't know. I really don't know. He wants Draco to do something for him, something bad, I don't know what. But please, please” Her eyes watered, her look captivating, making Snape unable to move. “I'm begging you. Help my son.”  
“Cissy, I don't know if I can-” Narcissa grabbed his arms. Her hands shivering, holding Snape in place.  
“Just try, please. He's your godson, he thinks highly of you and I just- I don't want him to get hurt. He's my son, my reason to live. And whatever mistakes Lucius and I made, they shouldn't affect Draco. I will do anything to be sure they won't”  
Snape stood still looking at Narcissa, his black eyes reflecting flames from the candles, lips thin and impassive, face completely bereft from expression.  
He sighed.  
“Cissy, they don't know you are here, don't they?”  
“No. I told you. I will do anything to save Draco.” She closed eyes for a moment. “Will you too? Do everything? Help me?”  
“I will do what I can.” Tears appeared in her eyes, one, almost silent sob made it through her throat. Her voice trembled slightly.  
“Thank you” Narcissa delicately laid her forehead on Snape's shoulder, her body relaxing a bit. Tentative hand found a way to her back. Snape held her awkwardly while she tried to put herself together. “What have I ever done to deserve a friend like you, Severus?” Narcissa asked softly.  
“You've been there when nobody else was, Cissy. That's all it takes.” Snape answered, small smile evident in his voice. She stood straight then, her lips curled up into delicately. Her pale hand caressed his cheek.  
“Why, you really are Prince Charming. Sometimes at least.”  
“Don't get mushy and sarcastic at the same time, Cissy. It doesn't suit you.”  
Narcissa looked at the window. Dawn started to cover the streets and made little window in the sitting room a dirty and scratched rectangle of warm light.  
“I have to go.” She said and went to the door. Opening them, back to Snape, she stood for a moment, then turned her head, blond hair illuminated by morning light, face pale but determined, small smile dancing on her lips. “Be careful, Severus.” Door closed after her and after a moment Snape heard soft pop of disapparation.

He stood unmoving, looking but not watching. Slowly pulled out pack of cheap cigarettes from his pocket, took one and lit it with a flick of his wand. Put it to his thin lips and inhaled deadly smoke. Then sat abruptly on the sofa, hid face in his hands, left one still holding cigarette, and muttered to himself exhaling gray smoke.  
“Fuck.”

\----------------------

His eyelids were so heavy and he couldn't muster enough strength to open them or move at all. Body immobile, feeling rather like a sponge thoroughly soaked with water. But he was feeling it and that meant he has one. That was a good thought, considering everything that happened before. What exactly it was, he wasn't sure, but feeling his body was a positive sign. He tried moving his hands. Both arms were instantly pierced with million needles. It was numb and painful at the same time, strange combination of feelings altogether.

His fingertips detected something rough. Fabric. Not of high variety, stiff and cold in touch. Starched cotton sheets? He could move his fingers just a bit. Definitely starched cotton sheets. Was he laying in bed? Hospital? Infirmary? At least he wasn't cold anymore.

Soft buzzing surrounded him, as if his ears suddenly decided to work, but were still unable to distinguish individual sounds and mashed them together. Concentrating on them he realized that the noise was actually two voices, arguing about something.  
“... can't expect me to take, as you called it, care of him! I have other responsibilities.” This voice sounded angry.  
“I am aware of that, Severus, and, before you interrupt me again, I know that what you do is important and dangerous. And I am grateful that you put yourself willingly in such... inimical environment- “  
“Willingly! I'm doing this because you ordered me to.” Angry voice interrupted. He was aware that he knew bot of those voices. He just couldn't connect them with anything. His mind was so fuzzy.  
“You would do this regardless of my orders. And I have never ordered you to do anything. I simply asked.” Second voice was calm and sure. “Just as I'm asking you now.”  
“Headmaster... you understand that I'm not the most suitable person to carry your request. Hostility between us is a huge obstacle and I'm certain that he will be as opposed as I am to this... entente.”  
“Your past is something both of you should put aside, considering current state of affairs.”  
“ I just don't understand why it's me you ask. There are many people who are capable of helping him in this matter.” Both voices went silent for a while and he started drifting back, mind heavy and cottony.  
“I trust you, Severus.” The words put him back to attention.  
“No, that's not good enough for an answer, Headmaster. Why not Potter, Minerva, even Molly Weasley? She would be thrilled to help and nurse him back to perfect health, well, physically at least. I'm not sure about his other capacities, particularly mental ones.” Voice went from anxious to nasty. Then turned soft. “Why not you?”  
“Severus, I can't disappear often enough to be there when he needs me. Some people, Ministry included, are very... concerned about my whereabouts. You, however, are generally left to yourself and that's what I need right now.”  
“Why not tell the world? His name is clean now, he's a hero. Why not put him in St. Mungo's?”  
“Because I deeply believe that keeping this ordeal as silent and hidden as it can be is the best course of action. Some things happen for a reason, Severus.”  
“Like what? His coming back from death? You won't even tell me how this happened, and you talk about trust!”  
“I don't really know how it happened.”  
“But you have some ideas, don't you, Headmaster? Feel to share, because I want to know what I'm getting into.”  
“So you agree, Severus.” Voice stated matter-of-factly.  
“Don't act surprised, Headmaster. You knew from the start that I will. I knew I will. It doesn't mean I want to. And, what is more, starting immediately I'm going to separate my time between spying, teaching, Order meetings and, apparently, caretaking. So, will you be so kind and share your ideas?”  
“Impatience does not suit you, Severus, at least not in consideration of important matters... And yes, your range of responsibilities may expand a bit, but I know you are good at multitasking.” Voice was full of mirth. “I haven't lied to you, when I said that I really have no idea how Sirius came back to life, but I know why I found him. It's because of you and the conversation we had.”  
“What conversation?”  
“The one about Echtra, Christianity and death. I think Sirius' passing was a kind of inspiration for our discussion. Anyway you said the entrance is always different than exit, even if they are the same place, that coming in and coming out are not really connected. For Christians Jesus died on the cross, but risen in his grave three days later. Different place, different time. In Echtra, as you noted, beautiful woman or great warrior invites the hero of the tale to the Otherworld and as you know-”  
“You don't mean that Bellatrix invited Black to the world of dead, or whatever you want to call it, Headmaster, do you?”  
“It's a theory, but as you know her name-”  
“Female warrior. I am aware of that. But even if you are right, let's assume you are right, it doesn't explain how, or why, he came back.”  
“That's another matter I am uncertain of. But when he fell behind the Veil he wasn't dead, just petrified. Maybe, just maybe, Sirius' body was so strongly connected with his soul that they couldn't be separated. But why exactly he was able to come back to our world? I do not know.”  
“Then why searching for him?”  
“A hunch, honestly.” He could tell there was smile in his voice. “Inspired by you, and our talk. The Veil in the Ministry is an entrance, so I wondered where the exit could be. The entrance wasn't originally located in London, but in the middle of the henge in Ireland. Ministry took it because a lot of people disappeared, went to the other side unknowingly. Those without magic were unable to see the danger.”  
“Is it going to be a lesson in mythology and history, Headmaster?”  
“No, of course not, but the matter is quite fascinating. Back to our main topic, as the Veil is, or rather was, in the middle of green, the death surrounded by life, I guessed that the, let's call it anti-Veil, is somewhere inhospitable for life, the life surrounded by death. And what's more deadly than little skerry in the middle of cold, arctic ocean? No place to hide, no place to run, no chance of survival. In Ireland you could live easily, but were tempted by death, while there you are given a chance to live, but nature takes it away. Cold, even in summer, longest days and longest nights. And then I thought about Rossøya. Little island at the northernmost point of Europe. What a happenstance, I decided to go there exactly at 15th of July, in the middle of the night, just as the moon started to gain, 28 days, give it or take couple hours, after Sirius' departing through the Veil. I found there a plain stone arch and underneath one person, cold but alive, laying in snow and hundreds of crumbling human bones.”  
“So it's all a big coincidence. That's what you're saying.”  
“I don't believe in coincidences, Severus. Everything has a reason and a purpose. And I need you to keep quiet about all of it.”  
“Of course. But you understand, Headmaster, that I can't be here all the time.”  
“The next couple of days will be crucial, but you can leave if needed. Later being here all the time won't be necessary. Now, unfortunately, I need to go, everything that you need is already here. Take care of him, Severus.”  
“With great displeasure.”  
“Of that I am certain. Be careful, Severus. And thank you.”  
“No need for that, Headmaster, I'm always careful.”  
He heard a soft 'pop' and the discussion seemed to end. Delicate sound of footsteps reached his ears and then hard screeching – something was pulled against the wood, probably against the floor. Hard thud. Rustling of the clothes. A sigh.  
“Bloody hell. What have I gotten myself into?” Voice was full of remorse. But after those words never came more. Slowly everything seemed to become more and more fuzzy, his body heavy, cotton sheets warm and cozy. Conversation he heard started to slip away from his memory and he was sure that he won't remember much of it. With the absence of sound he easily drifted away to the welcoming darkness. 

 

Sometimes waking up is effortless – opening eyes doesn't hurt at all, muscles relaxed, mind ready to go. Other times is a tragedy of combined grogginess, cramps, spine hurting so bad and feeling like even couple hours of sleep more wouldn't help. This was worse.

First thing Sirius noticed was awful way his head hurt. Constant unyielding pounding made him want to curl into himself. The fact he was unable to was the second thing. He was to weak to even roll onto his side and shield himself under the sheets. Thad didn't mean he wouldn't try. Stirring made him groan, lips chapped, throat like sandpaper, mouth full of terrible aftertaste. Something probably died and rotted in there, at least it tasted like that.

Sound of distant footsteps made him stop his movements. Sirius tried opening his eyes and was able to semi-open them. Small victories. Wherever he was was finely bright, but not enough to make him squint. Apparently he miraculously found a way to this small room, which walls were covered in old wood and little fireplace with dancing flames made it all pleasantly warm. It' was also the source of light in the room.  
How the hell I got here?

Loud creak. Then footsteps. Someone appeared before his eyes. He, unfortunately, knew that someone.  
“Finally back in the land of the living, I see.” Said Snape with sneer evident in his voice. He looked as thin as always, covered in black robes, his face sunken and pale, arms folded across his chest, hands like white spiders against dark fabric.  
“Snape.” Sirius uttered with great distaste. Speaking was hard.  
“Oh, look. He still has working brain, lovely. “ Snape said with acid in his voice, lips unpleasantly curled.  
“You look like hell. No wait, you are hell.” The more you talk the easier it get. Who knew.  
“Say's the man who were there. Unfortunately, for me, it is indeed some kind of hell. Torture. But luckily for you it is not hell, or heaven. Just good old land of the living.”  
“Why am I even- “ His voice broke suddenly, throat constricted and dry. Snape sighed and went to a cupboard Sirius didn't spot earlier. He came back to the bed with a mug filled with something that created strings of red vapor while moving.  
“Drink this.” Snape said curtly. Sirius gave him doubting look.  
“Oh for fuck's sake, Black. I won't poison you, even if it's nice thing to think about. Headmaster would be displeased with me. Now drink.” Sirius, still uncertain, tried to get himself up, weak arms supported him only for a moment and he collapsed on the bed with a groan. Snape watched his attempts with passive face, then he exhaled slowly and with a quick flick of wand Sirius found himself half sitting, pillows supporting his back.  
“Of course it will be like that.” Snape muttered to himself.”Drink now. I don't believe I'm saying it, but it will make you feel better.” Slowly he gave Sirius the mug, releasing it only when sure that Sirius held if firmly in his hands. Sirius slowly moved it to his face. Smell was awful. Fluid was red, almost like blood. He took a sip and was pleasantly surprised – it tasted a bit like strawberries. He was drinking it for a while, under Snape's watchful eye. His mind racing. Why he was there? Why Snape was there? What happened? The last thing he remembered...  
“What happened? Is Harry okay?” Panic clenched his heart.  
“Potter is fine, I assure you. Now, how much you remember?” Snape asked in impassive voice. Hearing that nothing bad happened to Harry made his head spin for a moment. Relief clashed like a wave. Thank God.  
“The last thing I recall... We were fighting in the Ministry? I fought against Bellatrix. Then nothing. Well, I think I heard someone talking... “Suddenly everything cleared in his mind. ”You were talking with Albus, didn't you?”  
“So you were conscious then. Good. Then I don't have to make this talk longer than absolutely necessary.” Snape seemed satisfied about that, but I really was hard to tell. His eyes almost void of any emotion. Except hatred and disgust.  
“I don't know what you were talking about. I just know you were talking. So, please, be so kind and tell me what the hell happened. Why I am here, why you are here, why I am feeling like a herd of hippogriffs repeatedly stomped upon my head.”  
“Fine. As far as I know, at the Ministry Bellatrix hit you with Petrificus Totalus which caused you to fall behind the Veil. You died. Theoretically, one cannot exit the world of the dead after they had fallen behind it. But somehow Headmaster found you alive somewhere in Norway. I don't know why, so don't ask me. He claims he doesn't know why either. Feel free to ask him when he comes and I am unable to tell when it will be.” Snape was deeply irritated, Sirius could tell. “As for why I am here, Headmaster ordered me to help you in getting back to perfect health, physical at least. I'm not sure anything can help your mental... ah, state. Even thou I have many more important tasks to perform, Headmaster thinks I should concentrate on you and your wellbeing. Griffindors always at first place.”He sneered. At some point Snape stopped looking at him and focused his eyes on the floor but exasperation were still evident in his voice.  
“When I can see Harry?” Sirius still didn't understand why it was Snape who was designed to help him, but let it slide for a moment. There were more important matters at hand than getting into petty arguments with Snape.  
“Not soon. Headmaster said that it's crucial to keep your... death defying abilities secret. Believe me, I would like nothing more than throwing you away into Potter's, Weasley's or Lupin's arms. Sadly I can't do that. You are going to stay here, for indefinite time.” Sirius didn't answer. He was supposed to stay hidden from people he cared the most for. At his stay in his house Grimmauld Place he had a comfort of people visiting, Harry's letters, Molly's cooking... Now only familiar face he's going to see was Snape? And maybe Dumbledore. Well... fuck Dumbledore's orders, he's going to get to Harry even if it kills him.  
“And were are we, exactly?” Important information.  
“Norway.”  
“What?”  
“Norway, Black. There's country like that.” Snape's words were dripping with sarcasm.  
“I know that.” Sirius spat back. “Where exactly in Norway?”  
“Nordauslandet, Svalbard archipelago. It's an inhabited island, Black. No cities, no people, just rocks, cold and ice. So if you're planing on running back to Potter, I would reconsider that.”  
“I could always take your wand and disapparate from here.”  
“I would like to see you try.” Snape's lips formed quite evil smile.”You don't want to disappoint Albus, don't you? Last time you did that you ended pretty much dead.” Sirius did not have any kind of retort for that. He knew Snape was right. It didn't make things better. “So don't even try to do something he will consider stupid. I don't care what you do, but he cares for some unknown reason, so do as he says.” Sirius squinted his eyes and looked at Snape with disgust. He hated him so much in this moment.  
“They are grieving, Snape.”  
“It is not of my concern.” He answered coldly.  
Abruptly Sirius felt very tired.  
“So how are we supposed to do this?” Sirius looked at the mug he held, now empty. It's going to be hard.  
“What this?”  
“You helping me.”  
“I'm planing on putting you on your feel as fast as I can. It will be beneficial for both of us, because then I would be able to concentrate on more important things. In meantime I will assist you in everything.” Disgust in his voice was so evident that Sirius thought Snape was about to vomit.  
“Everything?”  
“With magic. I won't touch you in million years. I don't want to catch fleas.” Sirius growled at him. It wasn't mature, but what can one do. He's going to fight hard to keep as much of his dignity as possible. Snape took empty mug from his hands, flicked his wand and Sirius was laying on the bed again. “Now go back to sleep. You will need a lot of it.” With that Snape leaved the room and closed the door behind him.

Sirius felt much better now, but his mind was in shambles. Nothing really made sense. He didn't even remembered that he died. Shouldn't he have some kind, any kind of memories of this time? Is he the only person who ever came back this way? So many questions. Sirius was sure that Snape won't answer them, and it didn't mattered if he had the answers or not. He would have to wait for Albus to appear and then try to learn everything he could about his situation. And how he was supposed to survive spending time with Snape, under his care? That was too much. At least both of them were unhappy about the state of affairs. Small comfort, but still comfort.  
God, even thou his mind was racing, he was so tired right now. Closing his eyes was easy thing to do. Darkness was nice and cozy. He fell asleep within minutes.

 

Next couple of days were ones of the hardest in Sirius' life. And he spent 12 years in Azkaban. Fortunately he had been sleeping a lot, so he could often forget about his dignity. Having Snape, of all of people, helping him with most mundane tasks was awful. At least he had been doing them with magic, under the covers. Unfortunately taking shower was out of question for time being. He could use the toilet by himself, one of the good things, even if the way there included a lot of magical support. When for the first time, four days into his “imprisonment”, he made it himself to the toilet and back, he wanted to cry from happiness. Snape seemed happy about it too, surprise surprise. The less time they were forced to spend together, the better for both they pride and mental health.

Sirius also felt kinda dumbstruck upon discovering that Snape could cook. As he himself was unable to prepare food, he was at Snape's mercy in this matter. And everything that appeared on his plate have been really good and nutritious. Proper, healthy cuisine. And very tasty. Sirius didn't know what to do with the knowledge that Snape was good at something such... normal, prosaic and down-to-earth, but he embraced it anyway. Good food was something he always cherished and as long as Snape was cooking he wasn't going to complain.

Good things never last long, and about week later, when he was able to do most of the things himself, even if they made him deadly tired, Snape started to disappear. Time of his absence differed from couple of dozens of minutes to hours and Sirius was forced to prepare food for himself. Which wasn't pleasant experience and often gave disastrous results. But somehow he managed. One time Snape was absent all day and apparated only to give him food, takeaway spring rolls, and then disappeared again. He was wearing his death eater robes, so Sirius didn't wanted to ask what it was about. He was grateful for food anyway. But he pondered for a while why, how and from where Snape got Chinese food. Sign on the box said it was some muggle restaurant in Soho. That meant either Snape knew a lot about muggle currency and muggle London, or that he stolen it. Both of those things didn't really seemed in character.  
But apart from this little incident, Sirius' life was going on peacefully. Physically he felt much better, could walk and do everything by himself, even if later he collapsed on the bed or the chair, covered in cold sweat. He also decided to check his surroundings as soon as he can, and discovered that he really was in the middle of deserted island. Small cabin in which he stayed was made from stone and wood, and Sirius was pretty sure it was enchanted so no muggle could see it. Cabin have two rooms, one of them was his bedroom, second was sitting room, which Snape occupied, kitchen and bathroom. Everything was well kept, but old, and Snape was unable to answer if this cabin was created by Headmaster or have been there earlier.

His only entertainment were sparse books, that Snape often left around. Sirius wasn't sure if it was deliberate or not, but at least he had something to do. Reading those books provided him with unwanted knowledge about Snape's preferences in literature. Most of them were potion books, theorems of magic and tomes about dark arts. But two times he found muggle books : Doyle's 'A Study in Scarlet' and Oscar Wilde's 'The Decay of Lying”. Stranger things happened and first one turned out to be quite entertaining.

Dumbledore never appeared, and Sirius stopped thinking that it would change soon. Snape kept insisting that Headmaster was busy and really unable to pay him a visit. But he delivered a letter in which Albus explained his absence was a result of Ministry's extreme nosiness and Order's matters. I hadn't been able to reassure him in the slightest. Snape kept disappearing for longer and longer periods of time. Two weeks after waking up in this small cabin in Norway he was filled with unexplained feeling of dread and Snape wasn't talking. Death eater's robes almost always covered his body. Something bad was happening. And he couldn't do anything about it. He hoped it didn't have anything to do with Harry. But he felt deeply in his bones that it had.


	2. Where Harry grieves and discovers that school is not the best place to hang around in summer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here we have a bit of action. And Harry's pov.

Harry woke up covered in sweat, pajamas cold and drenched uncomfortably. Even summer breeze couldn't prevent him from shivering. He looked at old clock placed on the table. Just after three in the morning. He took of the sheets and laid himself back on slightly damp pillow. Nothing was unusual. Nightmares started to torment him every night couple days after his return to Privet Drive. At first he thought they will pass with time, it was just over a month since Sirius Black had fallen behind the Veil in the Department of Mysteries. And yet they never ceased, even seemed to be more and more vivid every time. The look on Sirius' face, totally dumbstruck and a bit petrified, the way his body had fallen backwards in slow motion touching the Veil and disappearing completely from the sight. Then Bellatrix's laugh, high and mad.

Only person he could consider as a real family, apart from Weasleys of course. His father's best friend, his godfather, father-figure, friend, trustee... Dead. So young, too young. Harry for a long time believed that his life, living with the Dursleys, was some kind of hellish torment. But taking in all of Sirius' experiences: his family, first war, death of Harry's parent, Pettigrew's betrayal, Azkaban imprisonment, living as a fugitive and then death after months of unwanted hiding in his old family house only to protect Harry himself, his life stopped looking like ongoing torture and presented itself as unpleasant but stable. It wasn't a thought Harry ever considered as even vaguely possible.

Hedwig was absent from her cage, flew away yesterday to deliver his letters to Ron and Hermione. They were only comfort he got this summer, and was very grateful for every word they had written so far. Sirius' death never appeared as a topic in any of their letters, but it was obvious that they tried to take his mind of off it. Keen and happy letters were delivered by owls weekly. Harry totally loved his friends.

The room was in disarray. Scattered on the floor laid books, fragments of parchment, quills, broken and still of use, some of his clothes, owl treats and overhanging on the open trunk was Harry's invisibility cloak. In faint moonlight of the gaining moon it gave decent impression of fluid silver.  
Harry knew that sleep won't find him again this night. He stood up and went to the open window. Laid his hands on the windowsill and looked upon starry sky. Moon hanged bright and big, covering the world in deadly blue light. Silence was overwhelming. Privet Drive was sleeping quietly, houses unlit, only street lamps were trying to disprove the darkness of early morning hour. Orange and blue fought for dominance over Little Whinging, unbeknown to it's residents.  
In a month, just two weeks before start of his classes, Harry was planing on taking the invitation from Weasleys to spend the summer with them. It would be nice, he thought, to be around someone who understands. But he couldn't make himself accept kindness earlier. Sirius' death still fresh, a gaping wound bleeding and stinging. Seeing other wizards, who known and adored Sirius like himself, would be like rubbing salt into it. They would presumably ask about how he was feeling, Mrs. Weasley would probably hug him every time he would even frown, Ron and Hermione would shot concerned looks in his direction and whisper about his mental health. No. Harry didn't need that, not right now. He still couldn't cope with Sirius death on his own, and was sure about his inability to face others grief and remorse.. It would be to much. There would be enough time for him to reunite with his friends, have some fun, mingle with copious Wesley family, buy his school supplies and, all in all, spend the end of summer in satisfying way. But now was not the time.  
Even the prospect of getting his O.W.L.'s results didn't extract him from his morose state. Day's blurred together and returning to Hogwart lost part of it's charm. It was caused by the knowedgle, that there wouldn't be any letters from Sirius, ever again. Ron and Hermione were good friends, but sometimes tended to panic. They were to warm at hearts to look at some things from the distance. Sirius never failed him in this matter. He war reliable and honest, until he was no more.  
“Sirius is dead” Harry whispered to himself in the middle of the night, in the littlest bedroom at number 4 Privet Drive. “And nothing will ever be the same.”  
Sirius' broken penknife and now useless two-way mirror kept haunting him from a nightstand.

 

He was lying in his bed, looking at the clock. Seven minutes and he would turn 16. He felt older like that, had been for some time. Maybe since Cedric's death. That was probably his breaking point, heaving witnessing death for the first time. Couldn't really count his parents deaths – to little to even know what was happening before his eyes. But Cedric... It was something else. And then, after long year, dealing with his nightmares he came to witness someones passing again. This time it was someone much more important to his heart.

That was not a good thought. Cedric was important, his death hurt, badly. But Sirius was someone much more essential in his life. And Harry had him only for two years. Not enough, never enough. Deep ache claimed it's residence in his chest and refused to move out. It felt like being pulled apart.  
Harry turned on his other side and watched full moon shining through his window. He would get through it, just as he got through everything else. It was just matter of time.

Four shapes appeared on the sky, and after a while Harry recognized them. Hedwig, Pigwidgeon, some big brown owl and one faintly gray landed gracefully on his windowsill. Well, Hedwig and two other owls landed gracefully, Pig kind of stumbled under big package he carried and started to chirp loudly. Two other owls looked at him with dignified distaste. Harry quickly got from his bed and caught Pig to release him from the package, which he was sure contained his birthday present from Ron. After putting Pig into Hedwig's cage Harry turned to three other owls. All of them raised their legs with grace, as if to show how proper owl should behave. After releasing them from their packages brown and gray ones flew back into the moonlight, and Hedwig got into her cage to rest. Upon closer inspection, one package happen to be a letter with Hogwart's crest. O.W.L.'s results. Harry thought and decided that it was the best to deal with it first. He opened it carefully, his hands were shaking slightly. The tossed envelope and Hogwart's standard letters on his bed and turned to open the one he dreaded. Then he read.

Ordinary Wizarding Level Results  
Pass Grades: Fail Grades:  
Outstanding (O) Poor (P)  
Exceeds Expectations (E) Dreadful (D)  
Acceptable (A) Troll (T) 

 

Harry James Potter has achieved:  
Astronomy: A  
Care of Magical Creatures: E  
Charms: E  
Defense Against the Dark Arts: O  
Divination: P  
Herbology: E  
History of Magic: D  
Potions: E  
Transfiguration: E

He knew from the start that he won't do any good with History of Magic, passing out in the middle of the exam and all. Divination wasn't a surprise either, he lied through his tests. Failing it didn't upset him in the slightest. But the rest... He passed everything else.! And with good grades. Transfiguration and Herbology went surprisingly well, and even Potions! He got E in Potions! That was something, a miracle, considering Snape's way of teaching. And the best thing ever – Defense Against Dark Arts – Outstanding! There was just one tiny thought that dampened his delight. This little black E near Potions because, even if it was better than he expected, it meant that Snape won't let him study in his N.E.W.T. course. Without N.E.W.T. in Potions Harry could say goodbye to his dream of becoming Auror.  
With his feelings leaping from disappointment to delight, Harry opened first package, that contained letter from Hagrid and big chocolate cake.

 

Dear Harry

Happy birthday!  
Hope your summer is nice and that your muggles treat you right.  
It will be good to see you on September 1st. You, Hermione and Ron can visit me for a cup of tea just after the feast.  
Best wishes

Hagrid

 

Of course Harry will go and drink tea with Hagrid as soon as he can, Ron and Hermione will accompany him for sure. Smiling lightly he took another letter, the one from Hermione and read.

 

Harry

Hedwig came to me couple days before your birthday, probably in hope that I will send you something. She seemed concerned about you, as much as an owl can be concerned about somebody, I think. I mean, she's very smart owl, but still.  
Anyway, happy birthday! I didn't really wanted to give you books, so have some sweets instead. We will see each other in two weeks, so we could celebrate your belated birthday then.  
Apart from that, did you hear that Fudge is no longer in position? There's new Minister of Magic – someone called Rufus Scrimgeour. He's former Head of the Auror office in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Likely someone who will take matters seriously, not like Fudge.  
As you get this letter, we will probably already receive our O.W.L. results! Can't wait! Hope you did well. And Ron too of course.  
Take care.

Love, Hermione

 

Harry smiled. Hermione letter was as always to the point. But he didn't know about changes in the Ministry. He never really had a way to get delivery of Daily Prophet – enraging the Dursleys wasn't in his best interests. But maybe she was right. Someone who was Auror once will be so much better than Fudge, especially since Voldemort came back. The last year, and disbelief of Ministry probably let him gain power and gather more followers. The sooner Ministry acts, the better.  
Last letter was from Ron.

 

Harry!

Happy birthday, pal!  
We will talk in person soon enough, so this will just be normal letter. Mom sends her best wishes, as always.  
You heard about Fudge? Hermione probably wrote to you about that, but if for some unknown reason she forgot to mention it, I will do the deed. Ministry kicked Fudge out! It's good, because bastard denied for a bloody YEAR that You-know-who came back. They elected Rufus Scrimgeour. Ex-Auror. Dad says he's probably the best choice in the times like that. I have to agree. I mean, ex-Auror as the Minister? Finally someone to do the job.  
See you in two weeks and enjoy some home-made vanilla fudge. Oh, beautiful irony.

Ron

PS. Dad says that someone from the Order is going to pick you up. Just to be safe. Hope it's not Snape.

 

Someone from order is going to get him to Weasley's? That was reasonable, even if he didn't like feeling like a damsel in distress. Ron was right, it better not be Snape, or things going to be really awkward and unpleasant. Bastard will probably goat about Sirius' death.  
Harry felt very sad and empty. There will be no letters from Sirius. Never. Ever. Nothing, even delicious home-made sweets could make him feel better.  
He laid back on the bed.  
He was a mess.

 

Next couple of days were almost enjoyable. As much as time spent with Dursley's could be. Most of the time they left him to himself and that was nice turn of events, of course after he had done all of his chores. Which meant Harry had about five hours every day for himself.  
He used his free time simply wandering around in his baggy clothes, making all good neighbors watch him carefully. Harry didn't exactly fit in perfectly normal and organized community of Little Whinging, with his always disheveled hair, dirty sneakers and his bad reputation. Although last two things were Dursley's and especially Dudley's contribution.

His cousin's gang left him for the summer, and apart from couple of incidents nothing significant happened between them. Harry suspected that Dudley still feared him and everything that he represented after last summer's accident with Dementors. If it was the cause, Harry didn't have anything to complain about. Being left to himself, that's it. He could easily go for a lengthy walks to nowhere, carrying Sirius' broken penknife in his pocket, along with his wand, and persistently tried not tho think about anything at all.  
He didn't succeed.

Harry really knew he was being stupid. That clinging so much to one thought never done anybody any good. But the one question haunted his mind. Why?  
Why Sirius? Why now? Why everything, everybody he gained seemed to slip through his fingers every time he tried to hold on? Why everything in his life had to hurt so much?  
Nobody gave him answers.

 

12ve of August came with sun shining bright upon the sky and making every resident of Little Whinging sweat heavily. On Privet Drive people rarely went outside in the middle of the day, preferring to linger in the shadows of their homes, drinking cold beverages and whining about drought and therefore state of their lawns. Harry had to admit they were yellowing with each passing day. Flowers in perfectly kept gardens withered in the heat and ground dried to the point cracking started to turn into sand and contaminated normally clean pavements.  
Harry had been woken up by Aunt Petunia somewhere around 7 in the morning, telling him sharply to prepare breakfast. Harry grudgingly stumbled out of the bed and put some clothes on. He secured broken penknife, two-way mirror and wand in his pockets and yawning went down the stairs to enter the kitchen. Uncle Vernon was slowly sipping his coffee while his eyes moved over newspaper. Harry hoped that he could read it later, there may be some indirect news about Voldemort's late actions. Some mass murders, inexplicable deaths, accidents, every strange event could be connected to him, and his army of Death Eaters. Being out of wizarding world for the summer was a nuisance. His only source of information were Ron's and Hermione's letters.  
After preparing breakfast for his Aunt, Uncle, Dudley, who was still sleeping and probably will till noon, and himself Harry was left with long list of chores. Uncle Vernon kissed his wife on her bony cheek and got out for work. After Harry washed the dishes, done laundry and cleaned the kitchen he realized that it was already 1:30 in the afternoon.  
“I'm going out for a while” Said Aunt Petunia. “Don't you dare to do anything funny while I'm out.”  
“Where are you going?” His Aunt rarely went anywhere without her husband and son.  
“It's not your business, but I'm meeting with a friend, and I don't want to go back and see my house in state of disarray. Are we clear?” She snapped at him. She always snapped at him.  
“Yes, we are clear.” Harry snapped back.  
Aunt Petunia took her purse from the table and without another word went out of the door, closing them loudly.  
Sigh escaped Harry's lips. It could be nice day, if Dudley and his gang were about to ignore him like days before. With his cousin's breakfast secured in the fridge, Harry went out for his everyday walk.

For some time he wandered around aimlessly, but then his legs led him to the play ground near his old primary school. Big trees that grew there gave him some gratefully welcomed shadow. He sat on the swing and looked around. It was middle of the summer, and even if it was bloody hot, kids should have been playing there. But everything in his sight was deserted. Muggles were sometimes really stupid. If, when he was a kid, he had friends he certainly would not choose to stay at home in summer. He would play outside as much as he could, ride the bike, slide down a chute, climb every tree he could and generally do everything every kid could even dream of. But instead of doing something fun, something to remember, those kids were probably spending their childhood playing video games and watching TV. Just as his cousin did.

Oh god, he sounded so old. Complaining about 'kids these days'. He just had been feeling so testy lately. People were wasting their time. They didn't know how long they will have, and yet they were doing stupid things. And... and...  
Why he didn't thought about fucking two-way mirror? It was all his fucking fault. He made Sirius go to the Ministry. He led him to his death, like a lamb to the slaughter. He made it all possible. He thought that Occlumency was stupid, he thought he knew better. He could as well use killing curse on Sirius himself. He killed him.

Harry put head in his hands and sat there unmoving. He didn't even felt like crying. He couldn't do that, he didn't deserved to do that. His eyes hurt, red and raw, as though someone threw sand in his face. Suddenly he felt very very angry. At himself, Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange. He can't change the past, but he can change the future. And he's going to kill both of them, somehow. Sirius fought all his life for Voldemort's defeat, and he lost his life to this cause. He died because he believed that Harry was important enough to protect at all costs. Because of his father. Because he presumably was the one to end this war. And he's going to grant Sirius' his wish.

Harry abruptly stood up from the swing and stalked towards the back of the school, where was small car park for the teachers and deliveries to the kitchen. He had hands in his pockets, one clenching his wand, other broken penknife. Cold surface of the mirror against his hand. Harry kicked some pebble and it rolled couple feet away. He passed school's rear entrance.

_CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!_

Harry threw himself back first to the wall, wand ready in hand and looked around. Three figures covered in black robes were standing on the playground, turning their heads and apparently searching for something. Their masks glinted in the sun.  
 _Death Eaters._  
He stood there paralyzed with fear, shaking.  
 _How? Why? He should be safe here. Dumbledore said he is safe here._  
One of them looked straight up at him and raised his wand.  
Every muscle in Harry's body sprung to action.  
“Alohomora!” he screamed at the door, frantically grabbed the handle, wrung it open and ran inside.  
Fuck fuck fuck fuck  
Harry ran down the corridor, head down, his heart pounding.

_CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!_

“He's here! Find him!” Someone shouted.  
He's worn out shoes squeaked as he run. He turned right to ran up the stairs as he spotted black robes appearing before him and almost fell when he slipped on clean floor. Harry ran two stores up, panting, then turned into another corridor passing door after door.  
“He ran up! Go up!”Someone shouted from far end of corridor. There were two staircases, one before him and one behind. He was trapped between two. Harry heard footsteps.  
“Alohomora” He whispered to the nearest door, opened them slowly and slid inside. “Colloportus” and the lock clicked faintly. He looked around. He found himself in normal classroom, with rows of desks, chairs turned upside down and laid upon them, blackboard, notice board and trashcan. Nowhere to hide. Harry ran to the window and looked outside. What he saw made him stumble back. Ground was swarming with Death Eaters, their black robes billowing in slight breeze, masks reflecting the sun. That was it. It was the end. He will fight till he dies.  
He could hear blood pumping in his veins.  
Harry went to the corner, stood there back to the wall, risen his wand and waited.  
 _They won't get me without the fight._  
“Search for him! He's somewhere here!” Someone shouted outside. He could hear doors loudly opening at the corridor. One after one.

_Crash!_

Door to the classroom flew at the wall, doorknob making hole in the plaster.  
Death Eater looked straight at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know how it is to lose someone close, a father-figure. Grieving is all you do, everything that happened is all you think about. It's hard and can go on for months. Death sucks. So I wanted to show Harry feeling this way. Because dealing with shit like that, when you don't have anyone nearby... sucks balls.
> 
> Also, we will learn why Death Eaters were able to reach Harry in next chapter. If he survives of course.
> 
> And yes, Harry's O.W.L. results are straight from the book.


	3. Where Snape again makes life altering decision and therefore throws himself, Harry and Sirius onto a rollercoaster.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I. AM. SO. SORRY. Life killed me. Bipolar disorder killed me. ADD killed me.
> 
> But here it goes - chapter 3!

For the first time in his life Harry was so scared his mind went blank, he couldn't think of any curse, any spell.  
“Stay there and don't make a sound.” Dark figure whispered with evident fear in it’s voice and went out, half closing the door, shielding Harry from the sight. Harry stood there dumbstruck and stiff. _What the hell just happened?  
_ “He's not here.” Someone said just outside the door.  
“What do you mean _he's not there?!_ ” Other voice shouted.  
“Just what you heard, Carrow. I've searched for him and I guarantee, he's not here.” Harry realized he knew this voice.  
“Don't fuck with me Snape! He has to be somewhere! I saw him running up there!” Carrow was seething.  
“Well, we can trash the school in the search for Potter and at the same time wait for Aurors to arrive. They will be _thrilled_ to find us there, don't you think? We. Go. Now.”  
“Dark Lord will hang us for this one! We were supposed to bring him Potter!”  
“We can run down and search for him on our way out, but I assure you, we have to go.” Snape stated with urgency in his words.

Harry heard receding footsteps and then silence. He slid down the wall and sat there unmoving, wand still clutched in his sweaty palm.  
They almost got him. If Snape wasn't the one who...  
Wave of nausea crashed into him. _Good god_. He won't throw up, he won't throw up. The bile in his throat slowly receded and he took in first normal breath since... Was it only couple of minutes? Probably. Felt like hours.

How long he's supposed to wait here? Will someone come for him, or shall he escape on his own? Maybe Aurors will come, just as Snape said. They will come, magic used in presence of a minor, in muggle environment, he just had to wait.

Unpleasant smell reached his nose. Something was burning, and the smell was getting heavier and heavier with every passing moment. Black smoke entered the classroom, swimming in dark swirls upon the ceiling. It irritated his lungs, making it hard to breath.  
 _They set building on fire!_  
Harry stood up and went to the window. Room was getting warm. He could break the glass and... He couldn't do anything. On the ground still stood couple of Death Eaters, masked faces turned towards the school.  
Harry realized they were waiting for him to run out, like a rat deserting the sinking ship. He had no place to go. Nowhere to run. He will die in flames.  
Smoke filled the classroom, and Harry felt on his knees coughing. His throat burned, his head began to swim, eyes watered and he blinked furiously trying to get smoke out of them. Couple of tears felt on the inside of his lenses, completely blurring his vision.

_Crack!_

Someone grabbed his arm and everything went black, his chest constricted, head felt like squished by the vice, ears clogged. And then suddenly it was easier to breathe and before him he saw plain wooden floor. He was sharply pulled up by the shoulders. Apparently someone apparated them to his bedroom at Privet Drive.  
“Where's your fucking cloak!?” Someone shouted, and Harry recognized the voice.  
“Professor Snape?” Spinning around he saw Snape, still in his Death Eater robes but without the mask, looking frantically around.  
“Your cloak, Potter!” The command in his voice made Harry spring into action. He run towards his trunk, opened it and grabbed invisibility cloak. Snape jumped to him, caught his arm firmly and disapparated them second time.  
  
\------------------  
  
Sirius woke up early. Maybe it has something to do with Snape's absence since yesterday's morning. Something was happening and he was pretty sure it was something bad. When he asked Snape about it in reward he got silent glare. But Snape was tense. And it wasn't something Sirius witnessed often. Everything about him screamed _danger ahead_ which was deeply unsettling. He just hoped that whatever it was about, it won't blow up in anyone's face. Especially Harry's. And that Dumbledore knew about it.  
So he spend his morning reading 'Study in Scarlet' for the second time, eating burned toast for breakfast while drinking strong black tea with good amount of sugar. Snape didn't provided him with coffee. Bastard.  
Sirius also took a nap, and when he woke up around noon, decided that another cup of tea will be nice. He still felt so weak, even if he knew that every day made him stronger, that he was napping only about three times a day now instead of spending all day in bed. But he _hated_ feeling so useless, he couldn't do anything productive with his time.

His friends grieved him, he was sure, and yet he was alive and wasn't able to give them comfort. He wanted to scream. Maybe they will hear him. Somehow.  
Dumbledore sometimes was a colossal asshole. Sirius liked and respected him, but this situation was a different kind of fuck up. _He_ let their friends be sad, he let them suffer, even if there was no need for that. And just because he thought it would be useful in the future. How could it be useful escaped him.  
With a sigh Sirius let himself slump into armchair in the sitting room, dressed in jeans, sneakers and old t-shirt with faded print of some muggle rock band. Al least he had his old clothes to wear. He placed steaming cup on the table. Snape didn't even have decency to left any edition of Daily Prophet and refused to talk about what was happening in the wizarding world. Well, he refused to talk about _anything_ but some news would be deeply appreciated. Okay, not deeply, but still. Greasy bastard.  
He took a sip of his tea and placed cup back.

_Crack!_

The cup fell from the table and shattered spilling hot tea on the floor. Sirius roused fast and gathered the sight before him.  
In the middle of the room stood Snape in black robes, hood off, his face pale and stricken with panic. And next to him, swaying slightly stood...  
“Harry!” Sirus shouted and ran to his godson.  
“Wha- “ Words stopped when Harry looked at him shocked, eyes wide, face a little gray and covered in sweat.  
“Shut up! We don't have the time for that!” Yelled Snape and flicked his wand, one of the floorboards flew away and he picked up something that looked like old school bag. Sirius stood there watching Harry, while his godson seemed rooted to the ground with aghast look on his face. Snape pulled something out of the bag, ran to them, jerked Harry by his arm towards and opened his palm. There laid plain metal zippo lighter. He tapped it lightly with tip of his wand and murmured “Portus.” The lighter glowed blue for a moment.  
“Did you just- “ Started Sirius but Snape interrupted him.  
“Touch it, _now_.” The command in his voice seemed to pull Harry out of his stupor, and he touched the lighter while Sirus did the same.  
Something pulled him in the middle and then he stumbled onto the ground. They were in some dark alley, behind the dumpster, concrete wet and dirty. Red bricks were peering from behind the cracked plaster, walls covered in indecent writings.  
Sirius slowly stood up and fought the wave of nausea. He hated portkeys, and he was way to weak to travel that way. Harry was getting up from the ground, brushing of his hands. Movement on his right made him turn his head. Snape was taking of his shoes, then he pulled plain black trousers out of the bag and put them on under his robes. Then he took them off, revealing pale, gaunt chest, his ribs poking out, collarbones almost piercing through his skin, arms bony and his wrists so thin you could snap them like dry twigs. Dark Mark stood out, vivid and ugly, on Snape's skin. He put on black, plain long sleeved shirt concealing his body from the world.

“Order's been compromised.” Snape said suddenly, making Harry and Sirius turn their heads at him. “We have to move.” Sirius felt the need to grab Harry's hand, panic striking through him. He did that, holding firmly onto his godson's wrist. Harry looked at him, lips slightly open, disbelief still evident in his eyes. But he didn't move away. Snape wrestled cloak from Harry's hand ad quickly put both, black and silver, in his bag.  
“What do you mean _compromised_?” Sirius asked, his voice getting more hysterical with each word.  
“I don't know yet. We will talk Black, but we had to find safe place to stay.” Snape looked around, at the end of the alley were a street covered in light, cars passing, people walking. “Come on.” He urged them. Sirius released Harry's hand and both of them followed Snape. “Hide your wand Potter, but have it ready.”

They entered bright, busy street. People ignored them. They walked through the streets, passing pedestrians, bus stops and cars.  
“Where are we?” Asked Harry suddenly. Snape spared him a glance.  
“London.”  
“Why are we in London?”  
“We are in _muggle_ London, Potter. It will be hard for them to find us there.” Snape snapped.  
“Who _them_?” All this walking was making him dizzy, and Sirus was feeling cold sweat on his face.  
“ _Easter bunnies,_ who do you think, Black?”  
Apparently Snape spotted something down the street because he waved his hand at them to make them walk faster. Sirius noticed then little sign that said Specked Hostel. It didn't looked appealing at all. Small entrance and doors with flaking paint. But Snape went in without second thought. Harry looked at Sirius. He shrugged and both of them went in. Snape was talking with a girl at the reception desk.

“We will need a room for three people, bathroom included, just for one night. Do you have anything?” He sounded calm and nice and it was so unlike Snape that Sirius had been taken aback for a moment. He accepted the key, paid in cash, _muggle_ cash and said to them in pleasant tone “Come on, our room is upstairs.” His voice was so fake that Sirius couldn't believe that girl at the desk hadn't been suspicious about it. But she simply ignored them and averted to reading her newspaper.

They went up the narrow stairs, two stories up, and then down dingy corridor that smelled faintly like dust. Snape opened last door and ushered them to go inside. Room was small, with three simple beds, sometime-ago-white walls, gray carpet and brown doors that probably lead to bathroom. Snape closed the door behind them, locked them, went to the window and shut the curtains. He turned to them, arms crossed against his chest.

“Now we talk.”


	4. Where everybody learn that paranoia is sometimes a good thing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter of the silly thing. Comments deeply appreciated.  
> I'm in mighty need of a beta.

“Sit down.” Snape said with voice devoid of emotions. Sirius didn't need to be told twice. He was so tired that he couldn't care less about listening to Snape. He sat heavily on the bed, while Harry did the same. He seemed out of sorts, like whatever was happening didn't fully get to him. Snape looked at him coldly and said in harsh tone “Yes, Mr. Potter, Black is well and alive, no, nobody but Headmaster and me knew about it and he didn't want to tell you. You will have your touching family reunion later. Right now we have more pressing matters on our hands.” He stopped for a moment and apparently waited for Harry to say something. He just nodded but Sirus saw on his face, that his godson started to get out of his stupor. Like Snape's words finally got to him. He spared Sirius a glance, but then Snape continued. “Your aunt is probably dead. If it weren't for that, we would not be able to locate and reach you. Whatever protection her kinship with your mother held upon you broke this morning. That also means, as I said earlier, that Order has been compromised. Someone, I am unaware who, had been appointed to look after you. There were no resistance, Order members did not appeared, nobody came to your aid. Whoever it was, is either dead, or Dark Lord's spy. For that reason alone we can't go to Order's headquarters, or try to get help from anyone we know. Each and every one of them can cooperate, willingly or unwillingly, with Dark Lord. And as I broke my cover as a loyal, faithful and devoted Death Eater, we won't have any way to gather information about their moves, intentions or plans. Our knowledge is limited. It's assured that they will change their arrangements now, to prevent me from interfering with them.” He scowled.”Although, I'm positive they will watch any way known to them of entering Hogwarts. Which means getting to Headmaster is impossible right now. They will also watch places connected to wizarding world. Hogsmade, Diagon Alley, Leaky Cauldron- “

“How can you be sure of that, Snape?” Sirius asked. Patronizing tone of Snape’s voice was slowly getting on his nerves.

“If I were in their position, I would do exactly that.” Snape answered frankly. Sirius didn't have any kind retort to that.

“As I was saying, it won't be wise to connect with wizarding world at this moment. Which also means no help from the Ministry. I know there is a _contact_ , let's call it that, in the Ministry, but my affiliation with Headmaster prevented Dark Lord for giving me the knowledge about their identity.”

“We can go to the Burrow.” Harry said in hard tone. Good, he got out of his daze.

“How can you be _sure_ , Potter, that none of them are under Imperius Curse? Arthur works at the Ministry, he's an easy target, all of them are, honestly.” Spite in his voice was disgusting. “While talking about the Ministry, it will be foolish to use Dark Lord's name.”

“Why Volde- “ Harry was unable to end the world, because Snape covered his mouth with his hand. He was seething.

“What have I _just_ told you, Potter!? It's crucial! They planned on taking the Ministry, and then they will be able to place a trace on his name. I don't know when it will happen, but today's fiasco will speed matters up. Dark Lord fears the most those who speaks freely his name, he want to hunt them down. _Do you understand?_ “ Harry nodded, eyes wide. Snape released his mouth and gathered his composure. “What is more, you are still a minor, which means that using magic in your presence will alert Ministry about your whereabouts. Even I can't really use it, because we are in the middle of muggle London, and it would be difficult to do anything without letting them know about your presence, or breaking Statute of Secrecy, which also would make as a target. We are mostly unable to use magic.” He sighed and Sirius thought for a moment that he saw whit of terror in his face, but it escaped Snape's eyes at instant. “Do you both understand what it entails?” He asked calmly.

“That we are literally in shit hole and thoroughly fucked up.” Snape's lips skewed with repugnance and Sirius felt proud of himself. Childish, but oh so good to see that.

“Now, I'm going to get some indispensable supplies. If I'm not back in three hours, circa 6 pm., you will vacate this place immediately, go to any railway station but King Cross and take of to Gillingham. I will find you there in two days. If not, then you're on your own, go somewhere else and hide.“ Snape opened his bag and took out some muggle money. “Potter, you certainly know how to use these, should be enough to cover you both for some time.” Harry took the money and Sirius saw that Snape handed them couple hundred pounds. Where he got so much money? 

“What's the deal with the money? And the bag?”

“It's precaution.”

“Precaution?” Sirius asked with disbelief.

“Yes, Black, precaution. Something you do to when you care to forethink possible bad outcomes and want to be prepared for them.” Sarcasm dripped from his voice.

“I know what it means. I mean what's the deal? How exactly you are prepared?” Snape regarded him coolly, then answered with a sigh.

“If something went bad, like right now, I prepared myself to be able to disappear for some time. I hid one stash at the cabin, other one is in Malfoy's Manor. I have enough money and clothes to have some time to plan my next move.”

“You're paranoid.”

“My, as you called it, paranoia, saved your godson's life. And remember that you are here only because if they find us, Potter get's a better chance of surviving if there's two of us. If I die someone have to prevent him from doing something stupid and irresponsible, like wandering alone through muggle London or trying to get to his _friends_. Although I am sure you are as carefree and foolish as him, you are someone to be considered an adult, and saving your _godson's_ life is at the top of your priorities. So if something happens it's obvious you will do everything to help him.” Harry shot him surly look, but Sirius decided to ignore venom in Snape's words and muttered to him.

“That's a lot of if's” Then added louder “Why couldn't we stay in that cabin in Norway?”

“Are you really that much of and idiot, or you're just posing? I've apparated us there, they probably can trace it, Ministry can for sure. So no, we couldn't stay there.” Snape took invisibility cloak from his bag, dropped it on nearest bed, turned on his heel and marched to the door saying “Three hours, start counting.” and left closing doors after him, they heard footsteps on the corridor and then silence.

Sirius looked a his godson.

“Harry, I- “ And were unable to end the sentence because he found himself holding Harry, who was shaking visibly. God, if it was so good to have him back and just hug him, he couldn't even imagine what Harry was feeling.

Shirt on his shoulder, where Harry laid his head, was getting wet. Harry was crying. Sirius felt his throat constricting and just held Harry closer. Silent crying continued for a long time.

Then Harry broke out of his embrace and hit him.

“How could you do this to me!?” He screamed. “I've grieved you, I believed you were dead, I saw you die!” Harry started to sob uncontrollably. Sirius just reached out for him and gathered Harry into his arms again. He just slumped against him, still crying.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't do this to you if I could, I swear. Albus didn't want to tell anybody and I couldn't contact you, I don't even have a wand.” At that, Harry calmed down a bit and looked Sirius in the eye, face red and streaked with tears.

“Why didn't he tell me? It was so hard Sirius, so hard. You died because I was stupid, because I didn't want to do what Dumbledore wanted me to do, because I let Volde- You-know-who manipulate me...”

“It's not your fault, Harry. I would do the same. I would ran to save you, I ran to save you.”

“You had to because I am stupid.” Sirius didn't know what to say about that. He didn't blame Harry, he couldn't blame Harry. Both of them made the same mistake. But he knew that right now he won't understand that.

“As I know, Dumbledore decided that keeping the fact that I am alive a secret, will be to our advantage. I'm alive for less than a month, and I spent about one week in bed recovering and I as still not back to full health. As far as I know, Albus didn't know that I would came back to life before he found me.”

“If he didn't want anyone to know” Harry was taken-aback. “Then why _Snape_ knew where you were?”

“For some reason Albus asked him to aid me. I think it's because he couldn't care less about any of you and what you feel. He wouldn't spill his guts. And he gave me potions to speed healing process. And last month... It was awful, I assure you.” Harry smiled at that. It was so good to see that smile. Sirius missed it deeply.

“How are you even alive? I mean... It's awesome, but how?”

“I don't know. Once I woke up and heard Albus and Snape talking about it, but I don't recall much. Then when I woke up for good Snape told me that Bellatrix hit mi with Petrificus Totalus, I fell behind the Veil, should be dead but for some reason Dumbledore found me in Norway.”

“And Dumbledore said nothing?”

“I haven't seen him. Apart from that one time when I only heard him talking, he never appeared. Snape delivered me once a letter from him explaining his absence with matters of Ministry and Order. And then all this happened.”

Sirius felt a need to gather Harry in his arms again. Both of them relaxed instantly, staying in loose embrace. They sat there in silence, and for the first time since waking up, Sirius felt content.

“I have your mirror.” Harry said suddenly, then took it out from his pocket. He held it in his palm, broken, and looked at it, lost in thought.”I should use it. I just never unpacked it. I did it after you...” His voice wavered.

“You broke it.”

“I asked for you. You never appeared.”

Sirius thought for a minute.

“I didn't have it on me then. I left it in the kitchen when I went upstairs to feed Buckbeak. You wouldn't be able to reach me.”

“That's... oh god.” Harry held his face in his hands, still clutching broken mirror.

“Yeah. Some things apparently happen for a reason.”

“It sounds like something Dumbledore would say.”

“He did, probably. At some point. To someone.” Harry burst out laughing.

“I didn't have a reason to laugh for two months... It's good to have you back, Sirius. I missed you.” Harry looked at him smiling brightly and he couldn’t do anything but smile back.

Sudden thought came to his head.

“Harry, I should ask... How you did on your O.W.L.s?”

“Oh my god! You're really going to ask me that?” He was indignant, but never ceased smiling.

“Hey, I'm still your godfather and guardian, someway, not legal, but still, and I have the right to ask.” He grinned.

“I did good. Passing Divination and History of Magic was out of question. I fainted at History so it's understandable. Harry said matter-of-factly.

“You did what?” Sirius suddenly felt concerned.

“I had this stupid vision which made me went to the Ministry after you.” Harry said in small voice. Then continued at normal volume. “I have Outstanding at Defense, and Acceptable in Astronomy. Rest is all E's.”

“Even Potions?”

“Even Potions.” Harry stated beaming.

“I'm proud of you.” He really was.

“I'm proud of myself.”

“Cocky, aren't we?” Sirius teased. It was awesome to talk with him like that.

 

 

Talking with Harry always was something Sirius cherished. His wit, intelligence, humor... He was so similar to James, and yet so different. After all this time he spend in Grimmauld Place, and then in Norway, he couldn't be more grateful for normal, pleasant conversation. He asked about their friends, about everything that happened in those two months. Harry told him about conversation with Dumbledore, about new Minister, crucial information which Snape probably judged as worthy of omission, greasy bastard.

When they looked at the clock, it was already good after 5 in the afternoon. And Snape was still absent.

“We have about half hour more.” Harry stated.

Sirius heard faint sound of footsteps on the corridor, then it got louder and louder. He looked at his godson and as fast as he could took his wand, shielded him with his body and pointed at the door.

Snape came in carrying couple of bags.

“Stop pointing at me, Black.” He put everything on the ground and closed the door. “Oh sit down, both of you. I've bought you some essentials.”

“Essentials?” Harry asked and sat down.

“Yes, Potter, essentials. Toothbrushes, shampoo, shower gel, toothpaste... some clothes that should fit, more or less, two bags to put all of this in and wallets. Water to drink, and some food.” He held up plastic bag from Tesco. Sirius and Harry looked at Snape with incomprehension. “It will attract attention if we go to any place without visible baggage, don't you _think_?” Sirius looked inside the bags and asked:

“You bought us underwear? And socks?”

Snape's face turned funny shade of red.

“Of course I did. Even thou you will be satisfied with wearing the same things everyday, won't you?” Sirius thought that responding to this will diminish his dignity, so he just glared at Snape and kept putting all clothes and other stuff out an into the bag. All of the clothes were either black, gray or dark blue. And plain. He wasn't surprised in the slightest.

“I am concerned.” Snape continued after a while. “Money I have will be enough for some time, but then we ought to gain some more. Working is out of our range of possibilities.”

“Why?” Asked Harry. “I can work in some shop or something like that. And we could find some place to stay.” Sirius just nodded.

“Of course, even if it would be _nice_ to play little happy family with both of you“ Snape couldn't be more vicious. “there are couple of problems with your reasoning. First, you are both idiots if you think that we could, I don't know, _actually_ _work_ and gain money. We don't have any kind of references. We. _Don't. Exist. In. Muggle. World._ And, if for some unfathomable reason we could make all of this work, finding a job and place to stay, there's a big chance that someone will spot us, and, I don't know, kill us and take you, Potter, to the Dark Lord. I should know that you Gryffindors are unable to comprehend the situation.”

Sirius stood up so fast that Snape took one step back.

“We are trying to be rational here, Snape! And don't you dare to talk this way to Harry, or you will deeply regret it.” Anger made his blood boil in his veins.

“And you will do what?”

“I don't need a wand to hurt you, you slimy bastard.” Snape's eyes narrowed, thin lips trembled slightly, face skewed in fury. Sirius clenched his fists.

“Stop that!” Harry screamed and jumped between them. “It's not a place or time to fight. This is serious. You just can't get into petty fights at any given moment!” Snape spared Sirius one more glare and slowly, just as him, moved back. Harry gave out loud sigh. “Thank you, for helping me and Sirius.” He said frankly.

“Thank you for helping me and Sirius, _Professor._ I'm still your teacher, Potter, and you will address me as such.” His face was still an expression of anger and hate. Sirius tried not to look at him right now and calm himself down. He knew Harry was right, and apparently Snape knew that too. But it was going to be hard, even harder than last month.

His godson stood there, in the middle of the room, awkward and kind of lost.

“Well, I can steal.” Sirius said in neutral tone. Both of them looked at him. “It's about our previous matter? Lack of money?” Harry wore a puzzled look on his face, like he didn't know if he should be proud or disgusted by his confession, while Snape's eyes were devoid of emotion. He gathered himself fast. “When I was on the run I had to gather some supplies, food. Sometimes I stole Daily Prophet. Well, I did is in my animagus form, but still... it's a solution.”

“Of course you know how to steal, good, honest Gryffindor.” Apparently he wasn't as composed as he seemed to be.

“How for fucks sake were I supposed to survive on the run? I was a fugitive! I've been stealing because I had to, not because I wanted to. Don't you dare to question things I did to be able to be there for my godson!” Surprisingly Snape went silent after that and looked at the wall, his eyes unfocused. Harry spared Sirius one look and they waited for Snape to say something.

“How good you are at stealing?”

“What do you mean _how good_?”

“Will there be any problems? We can't get you into muggle prison for petty theft. You have to be precise and careful. Do not attract any attention, good or bad. Could you do this? And get away with it?” Snape was calm. His outbursts of anger and irritation seemed to be totally unpredictable. Or maybe it were just them who enraged him that much. Who knew.

“I think so. I will do my best.”

“We wait for Friday then. Muggle's will go out and get drunk.“ Snape looked like this was the most repulsive thing he could think of. ”Drunk people would be less inclined to realize they were robbed, and they will be easy targets.”

“Sirius, you can take my cloak then, they won't see you and they won't find you.”

“That's an option, but...” Sirius wasn't convinced it was a good idea. If anything happens while he's gone...

“The cloak will stay with you, Potter. If something goes bad, you will have the means to hide.” So he and Snape can agree after all. Not verbally of course, but it means they really have the same goal in all of this.

“So we wait till Friday night, and then what?”

“We change location. We have four days to plan our next move.”

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic in my career. Be gentle.
> 
> About Cissy and Snape. It was hard for me to understand why she would come to him in HBP if they weren't friends. And Bellatrix coming there were kind of out of character? She would lick Voldemort's boots if asked and there she tried to do something against his will. Strange strange. So yeah, Cissy/Snape best friends. As much as they can be.


End file.
